Sleepless Night

A sleepless night. My mind in a whirlwind. I journal in the dark. What follows is that conversation with myself.

When I was born, I could do no wrong.
By age 6, I could do no right.
A free spirit put in a box
is like holding a horse back when he wants to run.

I am a study in mediocrity
with delusions of what could be.
I have never won an award or recognition.
I have never known the love of a soul mate.

I have made MANY questionable decisions in my youth.
Some turned out good, others, not so much.
I was lucky.

I was a cheerleader once. I made the JV Squad.
I tried really hard, but honestly, I was not any good.
I did not make the team the next year.
I was devastated and cried in front of my friends.

High school was awkward. I was never asked out on a date.
I was not a popular girl. Not pretty or outgoing like my friends.
I was so naive back then. So sheltered. So immature.

I was not born with natural gifts – singer, performer, scholar, teacher, athlete or leader.
You will never see me on America’s Got Talent.
I have never found my passion. People always talk about that.
I cannot think of one thing I have that “fire in my belly” for.

This surprises you. Surprised me too.

What I DO have is a series of challenges that have made me strong.

I went through a six year abusive relationship and lived.
Emotionally scarred and physically bruised and broken. But I got out.
I went through months of homelessness all by myself without telling my family.
They would have just said, “Yup, that’s Kristi for ya.” or “What did Kristi do NOW?”
I drove all the way across the country alone to a new dream, only to be told to turn around.
I did not turn around.
I went through Cervical Cancer and a total hysterectomy completely by myself.
I was diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder ( luckily for me, I am mild in my cycles. More depressive than manic. I face it alone too.

The thing I am most proud of is the one thing I was born with and have kept all these years.
My tender heart and the Rebel spirit. I do not know how to give up.

Maybe, in the end, that IS my gift.
Everything else is just a lesson, a means to an end.
And I am OK with that.

Kristi Hugs 01-23-2022