Being BiPolar

Some days I feel like everything is right. Positive, upbeat, out of sight.

Some days I question why I am here. Full of doubt and full of fear.

Some days I feel like I have a plan. Some days I feel like I know I can.

Some days I feel mediocre at best. I want to hide, to be laid to rest.

Some days I have what I think is an idea grand and go “all in” and make the plan.

Other days, when the excitement is through, I wonder what the hell am I to do?

Some days I just want to raise the white flag. Other days I want to fight, to zig when they zag.

Most days Adagio for Strings will make me weep. Most days I feel lost, drowning in the deep.

Most days I try to keep my sadness inside. Most days I wonder, what if I died?

Would anyone even notice?

Yes, you may say, a pity party is at hand. And you would be right, sort of.

This is not something I can control. The cycles control me.

All I can do is make the best of it. To ride them out without having a fit.

I am not always successful.

Bipolar Depression is not something you can just wish away. You can’t just “Be positive” or “Smile” on those days.

I have to tell you, it is insulting. Just tell me I am loved and supported and I will get through. Just say, I want to help. What can I do?

You think I want to be like this?

I can honestly say I have been told I am exhausting.

I have had “friends” walk away, without even a wave of the hand. I don’t want negative people in my life they say. Yes, I understand.

There is no one there for me when I grieve, when I need to sob, when I just want to leave. No one feels the despair of being invisible, of being unheard, of feeling too proud to express any words of how I truly feel.

I am not looking for your validation. I am not looking for anything from you. Judge me if you like. Deny me if you must or simply look at me and say, “I never knew”.

No one will judge me more harshly than myself, I can assure you.

I am simply sharing what that shoe on the other foot looks like from an internal perspective.

Being Bipolar Depressive is a struggle. Other times, it is a gift.

Now you understand why I am so passionate about putting that shoe on the other foot. Of putting yourself in the place of another.

I am not blind to your struggles. Are you blind to mine?

For this Bipolar, the struggle is internal. Being who I truly am. For this Bipolar, the struggle is external. Being who I truly am.

Kristi 5-14-2017